Oh Comely
I will be with you when you lose your breath
Chasing the only meaningful memory you thought you had left
Of some pretty, bright, and bubbly terrible scene that was doing her thing on your chest
Oh, Comely
It isn't as pretty as you'd like to guess

If I could sleep, the world would look a lot better tomorrow. I mean, today.
But alas, if I get to sleep before 5:30 in the morning, it's a miracle.

So, here I've another night past me of my sitting on my bed thinking of everything I could think of.
I've not had my notebook in my purse lately, to write down everything I think of, so that one day I can write a book about the world, and bury it, or throw it in the sea, or something.
Today in the car I thought about school, and all of the things I need to do before the summer is over.
I need to take care of everything with my transcript and all, my fines, and dues, I need to make everything able so that I can travel to VCU next year to see Mary, I need to read all of these books, I need to study some, I need to be realistic, I need to focus, I need to have patience, I need to be silent, I need to sleep. I need to sleep.

Then I thought about this summer's decline.

I know they buried her body with others
Her sister and mother, and five hundred families
And will she remember me,
Fifty years later?
I wish I could save her in some sort of time machine,
Know all your enemies
We know who our enemies are

I think that I should probably stop doing so many of the things I do now, unnecessary things, like carry a piece everywhere I go. Instead of things it is visine and lighters, and a small bottle of alcohol to put in drinks at restaurants. And a small container of pot on the clip that carries my keys. Pills in my makeup bag.
But I don't want to, because I'll feel everything that is in the room, and feel fourteen stories high until my spirit leaves my body and I am left with just everything, or probably nothing, maybe.
And I will never be afraid of anything, ever again.

Sometimes I see the lightning in the sky when it is the early afternoon.

My next project, to keep myself otherwise occupied for the next couple of weeks is concocting my own batch of absinthe. Should be simple enough; I'm going to a health food store tomorrow in search of some of the ingredients.
I predict this will become sort of a group project, happily.

I would very much like someone to let me down. I thought about it tonight and have come to the conclusion that it is [perhaps only] currently impossible-- three times has one thing happened, and the first, yes, I was a little let down, but the other two, I wasn't upset at all. I just don't care about much of anything like that anymore. All in the same few weeks, right before my eyes.

I am still only a noun.

A recent night that's passed I thought that perhaps I wasn't as far gone as I had thought, and am thinking now, but I think that everyone has those nights when they are in places that were once familiar but are no longer..
It was strange and sweet but sad and a bit nervous, and I know that I am surely overestimating my emotional state of understanding and numbness, but isn't that the point of emotions in the first place? To overestimate yourself to the point of feeling?
Maybe it's just lack of sleep.
But I'm not worried about anything.

Two-headed boy
She is all you could need
She will feed you tomatoes and radio wires
And retire to sheets safe and clean
But don't hate her when she gets up to leave.

I only hope that I can feel the same as I did one day, and not wake up another and find that all is as first suspected, and nothing is connected the way I had thought.
I don't want to watch everyone be happy, I'm sorry.
Well, I want everyone to be happy, I think, but
I actually don't know.
I do, but I don't want to see it. If I just know it, that will be enough, now. But I don't want to see it. I wonder if my friends wonder what I think, when I don't tell them.

Goldaline my dear, we will fold and freeze together.

I'm going to stop making all of my entries private. I've written in here since that last public entry, but sometimes I forget to immediately make private my entries, and I have to go back 30 seconds later-- I think it's safe to say that by now any one that used to read this, no longer does.

Everytime this happens it brings me down. I've been doing really well lately, the first time that I can remember that I can say that honestly. I've been focusing on more physical things, the things that normal people focus on. I say physical for lack of a better word. More down to earth. Important isn't the right word. What's important and what's necessary are two separate things.

I don't know why everything has been okay. Maybe because I've been keeping myself busy. Maybe because someone told me all the things I should hate about something. Even though he was drunk on something cheap and his ego, and it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt, other than that night.

disc on repeat
for the past twenty minutes

What I'm getting at here is-- tonight has been the first in a while. I say this because, actually I don't know. It just feels like the first night I've spent awake in a really long time, even though this is actually only like the second night this summer that I've been home at this time. And what I'm getting at here is-- this is the first night in a long time I've felt normal. This is the first night I've felt. I mean, so to speak. It's a strange feeling, I'm very sad, but I feel inexplicably comforted, just because I used to feel like this all the time. And it's like being a completely different person all of the sudden; the same person that I was a couple of months ago. Feels like ages.

Every now and then I think about how long it's been and I get really worried. I don't know what about. Just worried. And panicky. Worried that something's wrong with me, like, psychologically, maybe. I've obviously no concept of time, selectively.

I want to move away. I don't want to have to feel this way on and off for the rest of high school. Something is off. I swear to god this map is upside down.

Sometimes when I'm just driving around with people I think about what they would say if I asked them to please keep driving, until we're out of the state, and never plan on going back or calling anyone. Don't say anything to your family or friends, please. You've no loose ends to tie up, I'm sure of it. I don't care which direction, take some exits, please.

I could leave anyone here. I hate it but god, everything would be a lot easier if everyone could accept it and acknowledge it and move on and leave me alone. Stop expecting me to stop expecting. Don't ignore me and beg me to tell you what's happening. I don't have to walk you through it. No this is not about you. Yes, it is. No.

i can take it
i can take it
i can take it
i can take it
i can- oooohhhh

i can take it

And that is what this is about.

Think about everything you lied about
or think about everything you didn't tell me, that would otherwise be important.

I'll not sit back and let people run in and out of my life, no, we shouldn't talk anymore, fuck, I want to talk to you so bad.

And that is what this is about.

Currently Playing The Sea & the Rhythm By Iron & Wine Night Descending see related

Have A Nice Life:

I make all of my entries protected, as if it even matters

(I just got bored one day,well, sort of)

Currently Playing Digital Ash in a Digital Urn By Bright Eyes take it easy (love nothing) see related

there was love i meant
there were accidents
so tell me which, is which

cause i just
can't
work
it out
but for memory,
and clarity,
we had better write it down

I ask for everything I get. I do things just to test myself and see if some things still have the same effect on me, and so far it's a resounding yeah, which isn't the point. The point is, I need to just stop altogether, because if everyone keeps telling that to me, and I keep telling it to myself, it's got to hold some sort of stupid truth. I say stupid truth, due to the fact that reality hasn't really been on my side, especially lately, and all this logic, the greatest commodity I have right now, is fucking me over again. And again.

Actually, I really have no idea why I do the things I do, because it's not like I particularly need or expect anything, I just, yeah, I don't know.

I found a bunch of letters and some pictures and notes and other little things I had kept today. Well, saying "found" I suppose implies that I didn't know where they were; I did, it's just today was the first day in a while that I felt like reading them or anything, there were so many. I hadn't realized, and I really hadn't realized I had kept all of them either. This year, last year, crazy. And to tell the truth I only got through a few because I sat there for long periods of time and just stared at each one, and by the time I had gotten through like eight I was so upset I was ruining them. Which made me laugh. So I was upset and laughing, and I don't know how I always get in that predicament but it's almost certain to cause a sinus infection.

I don't like change. I will not go with the flow. Progress can suck my theoretical dick. I'd stay sixteen forever if it meant I could have what I wanted without things going from colour to grey to black.

I have no idea what I'm attempting to get at here. I am fully aware that I'm not going to stop being the way that I am, or doing stupid things like reading letters that I should just TRASH.

An activity that I'm going to resume after I end this entry, no doubt. And will probably wake up to.

I think too much about the things that are totally over and don't matter in the first place.

"the things"

I don't even know what the things I think about are. I don't know what I'm talking about. It's 2 a.m. and for some reason I still get surprised when I look at my buddy list and there aren't a massive people without away messages on.

I think it'd be terribly interesting to swap brains with someone that didn't spend his or her time picking through every memory he or she can come up with and dissecting it to the point of insanity.

don't you love what is intangible
I have built this ship in a wine bottle
but if you knew who I was
you would never grow old

Currently Playing History for Sale By Blue October -calling you- see related

theres something that i cant quite explain
i'm so in love with you
you'll never take that away

and if i said a hundred times before
expect a thousand more
you never take that away

       well expect me to be
       calling you to see
if you're ok when i'm not around
                asking if you love me
                 i love the way you make it sound
calling you to see
do i try too hard to make you smile
to make us smile?

well i will keep calling you to see
                              if you're sleeping are you dreaming and
if you're dreaming are you dreaming of me
i cant believe
you actually picked

i thought that the world had lost its sway
(its so hard sometimes)
then i fell in love with you
(then came you)
and you took that away
(the world is not so difficult)

if paul is going to put the lyrics of whatever he is listening to in xanga, so is cindy

because it will seem so much lamer.

Let's pretend I'm amazing, instead of what we both know